Politics

Shattering our long-held belief that the Bush Justice Department was completely independent of politics, a report released on Monday (from the same Justice Department) indicates otherwise—low-level staffers, led by Monica Goodling, based their hiring decisions on purely political motives.

Seriously? Bush administration politicizing something? For just about everything you need to know about the Justice Department report, check out our FAQ: Justice Department report on hiring.

Hey, I thought our long nightmare was over.

Nope, we're still doing these FAQs.

Nice. Starting out strong, right out of the gate. Listen, smart guy, I remember something about the Justice Department hiring scandal a while back. I thought we were all done with that.

Not quite.

What's the deal? I see that hot blond chick all over the Internet now.

Maybe that's because the only websites you look at are porn ones.

Liar! Not only. Sometimes I have to look at Paypal to check my balance so I can pay for porn sites. But I'm not talking about blond porn stars. Something was in the news today.

Maybe you're talking about Monica Goodling.

Oh yeah. Who's she? She sounds hot. Good...ling. Very goodling.

She is a young——

And hot...

Hot? Really? Are you that desperate?

Yes.

Fine, she's a young, and hot, former Justice Department lawyer who worked for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

That guy? What a loser. What did cute little Monica do that was so wrong? Let me guess. Gonzales got handsy with her and she refused to bend to his will, so he started some false rumor about her. Why I oughta...

No. She was in charge of hiring many positions in the Justice Department, and rose quickly in the Justice Department to become a top aid to Gonzales.

Top marital aid?

No, like an assistant. As I was saying, her job was to interview and hire people for the Justice Department, however, she wasn't supposed to let political beliefs play a role in her hiring decisions.

Really? But it's Bush's Justice Department isn't it? Doesn't he get to decide which people he hates and which people he wants convicted and jailed?

Yeah, if he were running Zimbabwe.

Zimbabwe? Are we gonna go through that whole FAQ again?

I hope not. While it's true the head of the Justice Department, the Attorney General, belongs to the same party as the president and is politically aligned with him, the career justice department lawyers and staffers have always been free of partisanship.

And that's why I love America! Home of the free of partisanship! What's partisanship?

Think of it as Democrats and Republicans. Partisans are people aligned with one side or the other.

Kind of like I'm a partisan questioner?

No, more like you're a partisan pornographer.

That's a cool name for a band. Anyway, what did she do that was so bad?

Well, according to the inspector general's report, she and other senior aides to Gonzales screened out candidates who might not be sufficiently pro-Bush or pro-GOP.

Hold it. Why is she taking the blame for this? Didn't Gonzales know about these hiring practices?

Not according to his testimony before Congress last year. He said he wasn't aware of Goodling's activities. Kind of pretended he didn't even know her.

Okay, well, I guess I believe him then.

Why?

He was the attorney general for God's sake! Military men don't lie!

Attorney general basically means he was the government's lawyer. He's not in the military.

Lawyers don't lie either! Except that one who represented me in my drunk driving case. But I see your point. I don't really buy this whole story. She's so blond and hot. How could she do such a thing!?

Well, it looks like she did, and she might be facing a jail sentence.

OMFG! That would be awesome.

Why awesome? You just were defending her.

Awesome because I could write to her, and maybe we could get married in jail. That shit happens. I've seen on it on that great MSNBC show "Lock Up."

Good luck with that.

One more thing.

Okay.

Bad girls need to be punished, right?

We're so done here.

Posted by: David Bourgeois      I’m a fan of David Bourgeois