It's inevitable Norm, just lie back and accept it

How to get over losing to a comedy writer More

Rick Warren

Founder of Saddleback Church, huckster, glutton, goatee wearer, and a dick.  More

Meet the man who may forever reek of Blagojevich taint. More

Tuesday, 1:42pm
Roland Burris under umbrella due to dark clouds constantly hovering above him.

The Senator's "Chatting With Roland Burris"-O-Tron

Harry Reid and the rest of the senate appear to be backing away from their "Burris won't get the seat" hard-line after several days of Burris supporters accusing people opposing the appointment of trying to lynch a black man (in a manner of speaking). Burris hasn't been cleared yet since the Illinois Secretary of State refused to sign his appointment letter, but once that hurdle is cleared it's looking likely that Burris will have Obama's seat.

Once he's seated, how awkward will those early conversations between Burris and his fellow senators turn out to be? Considering they threatened to block him from the seat, and all anyone could talk about was the "taint of corruption" on any appointment by Blago, probably a little awkward. To help our Senators through it, we've created this handy "Chatting with Roland Burris"-o-tron, containing all the icebreaking awkward silence fillers a Senator talking to Roland Burris might need.  More ...

Tuesday, 2:13pm
Ain't happening. Give it up.

23/6 Open letter to Hamas

Dear Hamas, (and most of the rest of the Arab world),

What are you thinking? You cannot still be calling for the destruction of Israel. Seriously, it is not gonna happen. Let's just forget the infidelish, anti-Semitism of it all and concentrate on your Blagojevichian arrogance. Do you really think you can accomplish what the Germans could not? Germans? The people who built special camps dedicated to eradicating Jews from the face of the Earth. The master race who, for four straight years, killed every Jew that wasn't hidden by Oskar Schindler? You really think you can outdo the Germans?  More ...

Tuesday, 12:15pm
The guy with the watering can is sitting in the next cubicle.

How can former CIA "enhanced interrogators" use their skills at the office?

Barack Obama's picks for the intelligence community signal clear desire to end all forms of torture, or "enhanced interrogation techniques." Potential CIA director Leon Panetta wrote, during the Bush Adminstration, "We cannot and we must not use torture under any circumstances. We are better than that."

Well, Leon, that's all well and good for America and justice, but what about CIA interrogators? How are these guys supposed to change their ways overnight? People are creatures of habit, and if you're used to crushing balls, it's hard to stop, cold-turkey. Lest you forget, your own boss still sneaks smokes.

We care about torturers. That's why we've come up with a few ways these aggressive souls can channel their skills into the workforce. By force.

Waterboarding. Stricken with the urge to nearly-drown something? How about overwatering that plant in the kitchenette? You know, that dried up, Philodendron that's sitting right next to the cookies that the temp baked, in a failed effort to get hired? Yeah, that plant. Close the kitchenette door, and fill the "World's Greatest Secretary" coffee mug with water. Gently part the plant's leaves and... douse that bitch. Refill the mug IMMEDIATELY and do it again. And again. And again. Do it until the water spills over on whats-her-face's cookies. Keep pouring until there's water and soil all over the floor and that plant is just a pile of leaves, floating in a clay pot.  More ...

Tuesday, 12:11pm
Victim of injustice, mother of hotness.

Free Sherry Johnston!

So much for the average American family. Levi Johnston's mom, Sherry Johnston, was all alone in court yesterday when she pleaded not guilty to charges of distribution of Oxycontin. Her son and daughter-in-law to be were not by her side. Neither was her partner in grandmotherly duties, Sarah Palin. Is this how a hockey mom treats her family? We thought the Palins were about sticking by their kin, no matter how pregnant or redneck they get.

Well we're not letting Sherry down, and neither should you. Sherry is our strongest hope in shaming Sarah out of contention for the 2012 republican nomination, and she needs our support. If you stand by Sherry, write her a letter. Ours is below. Get to work on yours and let Sherry Johnston know, she is not alone...  More ...

Tuesday, 11:28am
Leon Panetta is the political world's Detective Columbo.

Watch out, al-Qaeda, because Leon Panetta will totally balance the CIA's budget

Former congressman and White House chief of staff Leon Panetta has been tapped by Barack Obama to head up the Central Intelligence Agency. The appointment has divided Democrats, because while Panetta is respected for his managerial, foreign policy and budgetary experience, he doesn't exactly have the most...how should we put this...intelligence credentials. He did not serve on the House Intelligence Committee, and has little direct intelligence experience other that attending briefings in the Oval Office while chief of staff for President Clinton.

Panetta is sure to face an intense confirmation process, with several top Democrats already expressing their displeasure, to say nothing of the opposition party. Before the grilling begins, what do we need to know about the man who's soon going to be listening to your private overseas phone sex calls?  More ...

Tuesday, 9:21am

Inaugural planners organizing "used condom cleanup team"

Washington, DC. America's capital, symbol of our greatness, and once a year, a mecca for gay leather fetishists who visit for the annual Mid-Atlantic Leather Weekend (celebrating its silver anniversary this year!). This year, the event (which is expected to draw upwards of three thousand leather fans) is taking place from January 16-18, just a few short days before the inauguration of President-Elect Barack Obama, who prefers to keep his own sexual proclivities off the streets of Washington.

Though organizers for both events don't predict any confusion or problems due to the, ahem, "tight" scheduling, we at 23/6 just want to make sure that, whether you're down in DC for the swearing in or the humping, you know the difference between the two events.  More ...

Tuesday, 10:09am

Quick Poll: Who is at the greatest risk of assassination?

Tuesday, 11:01am

We Can't Quit W. Countdown - 50 Reasons We're Sorry to See President Bush Go

#33: Because, c'mon, don't you feel safer already?

Previously: We Can't Quit W. Countdown - 50 Reasons We're Sorry to See President Bush Go

Tuesday, 11:00am

Lance Armstrong would like to represent you in Congress

Professional bicycle rider Lance Armstrong may run Texas's next open Senate seat. The testicular cancer survivor told the Daily Beast, "If you feel like you can do the job better than people who are doing it now... then that's a real calling to serve." Oh great, now everyone in America is going to run for office.

A seat in the United States Senate. Caroline Kennedy wants one, Fran Drescher is mulling it over, and now Lance Armstrong. Why do so many celebrities go big immediately? Can no one get their legislative feet wet on the city council? Even Sarah Palin started at the PTA. Senators need to pass good legislation and block bad legislation- job requirements which demand a unique blend of backslapping and backstabbing that we're not sure that winning Tour de France teaches. In fact, we're pretty sure you have to be a massive dick to win the Tour eight times AND conquer stage IV cancer. His story sounds somewhat epic, almost McCainian, and we all know how that turned out.

All we're saying perhaps Lance's temperament is better suited to a Governor's mansion. Not that it matters, his senate campaign is in full swing:  More ...

Monday, 3:18pm
Rat fink writing tell-all book.

Laura Bush's memoir - The sexiest First Lady book since "It Takes a Village?"

Laura Bush has closed her book deal to write a memoir about her life and time in the White House. The First Lady was given a book deal before President Bush, since everyone assumes he needs a few years to get caught up to speed on what actually happened during his presidency. Many are curious by what Mrs. Bush will reveal, since it's long been suspected that she's far more liberal than her husband.

Will she speak her disappointment in her husband's policies? Will she address the frustration in standing by her man when she didn't agree with him? Will she finally lift the lid on the Lincoln Bedroom meth orgies? There's no reason to speculate anymore because we have an early draft of the proposed table of contents. Check it out...  More ...

Monday, 1:46pm
Stay away from the guy on the right. He's bad news.

How to protect yourself and your family from America's governors

With news of New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson withdrawing from the Obama cabinet due to a pay-for-play investigation, it's now official: the corrupt State governor is the new pervy Republican congressman. Richardson joins Rod Blagojevich and Eliot Spitzer in their apparently nationwide effort to make the position of state governor the least trusted post in American government.

With the growing negative stigma attached to state Governors, it's become increasingly important to prevent yourself and your family from having any association with these depraved creatures. Spend five minutes alone with a governor and you could be in front of a grand jury within the week. We've created this handy guide to help protect those you care about from any negative associations with our country's governors...  More ...

Monday, 3:05pm
Don't throw away last year's Uggs, save them for 2019.

President Bush loses his Secret Service protection in ten years... just lettin' ya know.

President Bush will lose his Secret Service detail in ten years. Thanks to a law passed in the 90s, any president elected after 1997 (Bush counts!) is protected at taxpayer expense for only ten years after their last term ends. It's a coincidence that the first president affected by this law is also the president with the lowest approval ratings since the United States started having presidents. How can Citizen Bush protect himself after the guys in wraparound glasses leave? We have five ideas for you, Mr. President!

Hide behind the mainstream media. If they can protect you from impeachment, they can protect you from assassination.

Travel with Dick Cheney, 24 hours a day. No one will shoot you if Cheney's in the line of fire. And just before Dick's about to die, lean over, smother him, then scream, "I'm finally free!" Appear on The View and tell the ladies about your eight years in captivity. Seriously, that's the only thing that would explain this presidency.

Pretend you are the star "W." If someone asks, "Are you President Bush," laugh and say, "I get that all the time." Then write, "Best, Josh Brolin," on their napkin.

Pretend you are your Dad. And move to (George H. W.) Bush Street, Kuwait City, Kuwait. They like you guys there!

If you are under attack, just stand there and hope their aim is bad. Technically, that's all the Secret Service does anyway.

Related: 23/6 proudly supports the Shoe-Thrower

Previously: Good Morning, Beijing

Monday, 1:05pm
We're almost done caring about Minnesota
Enough Already

Like an SNL sketch, Minnesota election won't end

It's all over but the crying, and also an extended legal challenge. The Minnesota Canvassing Board convened today to certify Al Franken as the winner in the state's grueling Senate recount. But incumbent Norm Coleman is almost certainly expected to file suit during the seven-day waiting period leading up to the official certification. Coleman is still trying to get the state Supreme Court to include 650 rejected ballots in the recount totals, as well as disqualify other ballots that went for Franken.

It's gonna be a long week, at the end of which we still might not officially have a winner to fill the Senate seat. In fact, if this internal memo we obtained from the Coleman campaign is any indication, this might take quite a while still...  More ...

Monday, 1:59pm

We Can't Quit W. Countdown - 50 Reasons We're Sorry to See President Bush Go

#32: Because he gave up golf for the troops.

Previously: We Can't Quit W. Countdown - 50 Reasons We're Sorry to See President Bush Go

Monday, 2:44pm

23/6 "Didn't get the joke" of the day

The folks at Fannity (fans of Hannity) liked Tips for Traveling Muslims... for all the wrong reasons.

This is like when Dave Chappelle quit Comedy Central because a white crew member laughed a tad too Klannily at sketch that used the n-word. If we could afford the plane ticket, we'd be blogging from South Africa right now.

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Brad Taylor Negron
Chicken Soup for the Drug-Addicted Lesbian Soul

by Brad Taylor Negron

From the stage I could see what appeared to be Lindsay Lohan and Alfred Molina talking loudly in the front row. Turns out that this "man" was her non-specific same-sex lover Samantha Ronson.

Dan Abramson
"Kate Hudson Theory" Further Proved by Bride Wars

by Dan Abramson

Kate Hudson Theory: If Kate Hudson died immediately after Almost Famous, she would've gone down as one the best actresses of all time.

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Jane Condon
Bill Richardson Withdraws

by Jane Condon

Governor Bill Richardson is withdrawing his nomination to be Commerce Secretary. The FBI is investigating his ties to a California company that did business with New Mexico and contributed to his campaign.

Duncan Quirk
Blago's Man

by Duncan Quirk

Blago would go down, but he would go down swinging hard enough to take Burris with him, and so he appointed Burris to the Senate seat he had tried so hard to sell.

Spencer Green
Dear Israel: Why Won't You Just Roll Over and Die?

by Spencer Green

Hamas leader and hand model Gadi Al Mawalshammam: May I say, it has become very difficult for us to attack them when they insist on attacking us in return.

Joselyn Hughes
Barack Obama's Twitter Account Hacked

by Joselyn Hughes

Hopefully, he'll get his Twitter account back up and running as soon as possible. And when he does, I'll totes be reading his updates.

Scott Blakeman
Israel Blames Bernie Madoff for Civilian Casualties

by Scott Blakeman

Israel's Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni said, "There is no humanitarian crisis in the Strip and therefore there is no need for a humanitarian truce." Livni also said that the earth is flat.

Joseph Minton Amann and Tom Breuer
Media Drunk Tank: Dreams of My Fellatio

by Joseph Minton Amann and Tom Breuer

Sinclair claims he fellated Barack Obama in Chicago in 1999 while Obama smoked crack cocaine in the back of Sinclair's rented limo.

Jeffrey Jena
The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: We Support Obama!

by Jeffrey Jena

You can't support someone and not support the work they do. It's empty and meaningless. Try looking across the room at the one you love and saying, "I support you but not all that silly stuff you call your life."

Will Durst
The Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2008

by Will Durst

8. Joe Biden. Has potential to fill gaffe gap being vacated by George Bush. Inserts foot in mouth so often, he should invest in mint-flavored shoelaces.